Kevin
Queen of Jotos
Joined: 28 Sep 2007
Posts: 2448
Location: the closet...i'll come out one day...
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 Posted: Apr Sunday, 2008 12:28 am Post subject: The Forbidden Kingdom |
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You know how there's this stereotype stating that all Asians look alike? This film proves that the hell wrong... I swear, the same actor playing the same exact character did not ring a single fucking bell for me right from the opening scene...
As you're probably (No, yeah, you certainly are) aware of, Jackie Chan and Jet Li star as two warriors that have intersected paths that lead them to this staff, which in turn, introduces us to the main character... "So, you mean Chan and Li aren't the principal characters?"
Yes and no. They have a major hand in the plot, but the real protagonist is this kid, Jason. Jason, like any other teenager protagonist in any form of media, lives a bully-ridden life in Boston, I believe, where he seems to be obsessed with Kung-Fu movies-- who isn't? What leads him to Ancient China, you ask? Well, the catalyst for that is quite simple: he's bullied by, well... bullies that pester him. Anyhoo, one thing leads to another, and he picks up this staff that transports him to China from back in the day. Hey, at least it's a lot more logical than when Chronicles of Narnia did it by getting inside an old-ass piece of furniture placed there for some really terrible feng shui with no questions asked-- why not have a pole have you time travel backwards here?
Back to the story: Jason finds himself in a situation I deem completely forgotten since, like, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III. Actually, I've just had an epiphany! This is exactly like TMNT III! The patterns are strikingly similar... Though, I have to admit, Ninja Turtles didn't have Jackie Chan nor Jet Li... unless you count the fact they're both just as feo as your sewer-friendly, walking, trash-talkin', latex-covered, Jim-Henson-butt-ugly turtles! And I do, I do...
Again, back to the plot: eventually, Jason comes across three companions: Golden Sparrow, an "orphan bitch" that has her mother killed by our villain, and for a reason I probably didn't notice, refers to herself in third-person; a badass monk that seeks the staff to be given to its rightful owner, played by Li; and Lu Yan, the drunk bastard who opens a fat can of whup-ass on just about everyone he comes across, played by none other than Jackie Chan. They all end up on an adventure the Kingdom where The Jade Warlord resides, our main antagonist. The adventure itself is really typical: they pass through obstacles, while our heroes have a montage, training themselves for the eventual confrontation with The Warlord (who really needs a proper name, by the way).
The fight scenes, in my opinion, are the shit. They. Get. Down... Seriously, Chan may have met his prime in, like, The Tuxedo but he serves a big, pipin' pile of fight moves here that'll leave you breathless. Jet Li, on the other hand, met his prime in Hero, so his set of moves don't really dazzle. The guy who plays, Jason, whose actor's name escapes me, surprisingly, too, kicks his fair of asses. Hell, even some five, six year-olds end up kicking the crap of bad guys...
Speaking of Jason, this guy's actor is just further proof of how much the film industry needs guys like Shia LeBouf to bust out a spectactular performance for the loser-guy character. Honestly, this guy feels like a poor man's LeBouf; the Nikolodean version of him, if you will. I mean, it's obvious the guy worked out his ass off for this role, but the kid can't act to save his ass. His dialogue seems traditional and way too tacky. While characters like Jet Li's get away with saying dumb shit like, "No, foo'!" Jason comes off as an annoying all the while making references to Virtua Fighter 4 and Bruce Lee. We get it, he's a guy in love with kung-fu who coincidentally was the one who must deliver the staff to its rightful owner, but c'mon-- half the time, I felt like he was just disgustingly lucky to have the chance to go to Ancient China via a plot device no further complex than a freakin' mystical staff. It's alarming having him progress so quickly, adapting to his awkwardly different environment.
The ending, to me, feels like the cast and crew's response to 10,000 B.C.'s ending: "Holy crap! That's terrible! Tell John not to do that for our Jet Li/Jackie Chan cash cow!" This ending, while mildy tainted a little later, really had the audience not feel insulted nor slapped in the face, like a certain other crappier, historically-inaccurate film... (God, I love using compound adjectives)
Now, remember how I mentioned I couldn't recognize certain actors? Well, from beginning to end, I felt like either I'm just an idiot for not noticing (Robert Downey Jr. playing a black dude in the soon-to-be-released Tropic Thunder comes to mind...) or it's a freakin' conspiracy, but, I swear, I did not realize certain characters were really one in the same...
I reccomend watching this film whenever you get the chance. I can't remember the last time I actually had my low expectations so easily reversed. (probably The Orphange was the last time, though that really wasn't that long ago... me and my hyperboles...) Oh, and word of advice, be careful where you sit, little kids had surrounded us and came close to ruining the movie to us, the little bastards... And one last "thang"... Keep track of the horses! I assume disappearing and reappearing horses were quite common back in the day because I have no other explanation why they do what they wierdly do...
_________________
"There's a passage I got memorized-- Ezekiel 25:17: 'The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.'
...I been sayin' that shit for years and if you ever heard it, it meant your ass. I never really questioned what it meant-- I thought it was just a cold-blooded thing to say to a motherfucker before you popped a cap in his ass... but I saw some shit this mornin' made me think twice. Now I'm thinkin': it could mean you're the evil man... and I'm the righteous man and Mr. 9mm here... he's the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness, or it could be you're the righteous man and I'm the shepherd and it's the world that's evil and selfish... I'd like that... But that shit ain't the truth. The truth is you're the weak and I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd."
-Jules Winnfield
Last edited by Kevin on May Sunday, 2008 2:59 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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