Kevin
Queen of Jotos
Joined: 28 Sep 2007
Posts: 2448
Location: the closet...i'll come out one day...
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 Posted: Jan Friday, 2008 9:49 pm Post subject: Chuck Norris Facts |
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The reason Chuck Norris has spared your life...
CHUCK NORRIS FACTS
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad Chuck Norris has never cried. Ever.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now appropriately called The Islands.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
If you try to introduce your mother to Chuck Norris, she'll introduce you to your biological father.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but if Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.
Chuck Norris once went on Celebrity Jeopardy and answered, "Who is Chuck Norris?" to every question. It was the first and only time in Jeopardy history that a contestant answered every single question right.
At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.
Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse kick to the face delivered by Chuck Norris.
The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type "Chuck Norris" into Google and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky!".
Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person.
Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris so he can scare the shit out of them.
Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run.
When Chuck Norris laughs too hard while drinking milk, he accidently shits a cow.
One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politely signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks to the face aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
The phrase "Made by Chuck Norris" is imprinted beneath the surface of China.
Microsoft has released a new Anti-virus removal tool called Chuck Norris. The tool dares the virus to enter the machine.
Chuck Norris always gets blackjack. Even when he's playing poker.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. Niether does Chuck Norris. He doesn't have to.
Switzerland isn't really neutral. They just haven't figured out what side Chuck Norris is on yet.
In order to survive a nuclear attack, you must remember to stop, drop, and be Chuck Norris.
Life is like a box of chocolates; you never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.
Chuck Norris only uses one chopstick.
Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light.
Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick to the face, instantly beating the CPUs.
Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
If Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass at night.
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as giraffes.
Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face.
How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? Just one from Chuck Norris.
The square root of Chuck Norris is a roundhouse kick to the face.
When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
The reason why drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm was because Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.
They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris; in the library; with a roundhouse kick to the face."
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Before sliced bread, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Chuck Norris". But Chuck Norris was displeased by this. So he roundhouse kicked a loaf of bread into slices.
When Chuck Norris has sex with men, it is not because he is gay, but because he has ran out of women.
Chuck Noris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not need to use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford changes its actual spelling.
Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.
Chuck Norris can beat the Sun in a staring contest.
Chuck Noris has already been to Mars. That's why there are no signs of life there.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.
Chuck Norris CAN eat just one Lay's potato chip.
There is no such thing as a lesbian, there are just girls who have never met Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris runs with scissors other people get hurt.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Chuck Norris can rhyme with orange.
Chuck Norris doesn't consider it sex if the woman lives.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Chuck Norris can put on his pants with both legs at once.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open
What came first, the chicken or the egg? Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can start a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycle Bin.
_________________
"There's a passage I got memorized-- Ezekiel 25:17: 'The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.'
...I been sayin' that shit for years and if you ever heard it, it meant your ass. I never really questioned what it meant-- I thought it was just a cold-blooded thing to say to a motherfucker before you popped a cap in his ass... but I saw some shit this mornin' made me think twice. Now I'm thinkin': it could mean you're the evil man... and I'm the righteous man and Mr. 9mm here... he's the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness, or it could be you're the righteous man and I'm the shepherd and it's the world that's evil and selfish... I'd like that... But that shit ain't the truth. The truth is you're the weak and I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd."
-Jules Winnfield |
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